Knee Deep in De-Nesting

What happens when you love your partner but living together just isn’t working? Cady and Sharilyn dive into the concept of de-nesting — choosing to live apart while staying together — and how it can reshape what commitment looks like.

Cady shares her personal story of de-nesting with her husband Navarre after nearly a decade of cohabitation, revealing what led to the decision, how neurodivergence played a role, and how they maintain connection and intimacy across two homes.

Later, Navarre joins for a candid conversation about how de-nesting strengthened their marriage, improved communication, and reignited appreciation for intentional time together.

In this episode:

• What “de-nesting” actually means (and how it’s not a breakup)
• How to know when it’s time to consider living separately
• The intersection of neurodivergence, non-monogamy, and household dynamics
• Redefining what “marriage” looks like outside of monogamy and cohabitation
• Why intentionality beats proximity in long-term relationships

Mentioned in this episode:

• Couples therapy & communication practices
• Emotional labor and household management
• The importance of chosen family and queer community

🎧 Listen wherever you get your podcasts, and follow us on Instagram @kneedeeppodcast.

Follow Us:

• Instagram: @KneeDeepPodcast
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• Cady: @ageofsexploration
• Sharilyn: @queerwomenspoetrycollective

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Transcript

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Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (00:01)
Hi y'all, Cady here to give you the heads up that we've been experiencing some technical difficulties. So throughout this episode, sometimes Sharilyn's audio is a little bit wonky. I left it in wherever it was kind of clear what she was saying and anything that needed to be re-recorded so that you could understand her, I went over and re-recorded. So that should be fun for all of us.

But either way, thanks for being patient with us. We love you. We are so glad that you're here. And without further ado, here is the de-nesting episode of Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat.

Cady Moore (00:43)
Welcome to Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat, our gay-DHD podcast where we take the scenic route through sex, dating, relationships, non-monogamy, queer culture, and all of the spicy things in between. I'm Cady the sex educator, coach, and certified professional at Oversharing, which I will be doing a lot of today.

Sharilyn Wester (01:04)
which we love. And I'm Sharilyn I'm a student of social work. I am a writer, I'm a storyteller, a poet, artist, all that good stuff. And a little chaos goblin a little bit. We today are a little mini-isode and we're talking about de-nesting We talked about it briefly. We touched on it briefly in our non-monogamy episode, but Cady has gotten quite a few questions on this.

Cady and her spouse Navarre are now de-nested but they are still together. And a lot of people have questions about that and people are curious about that. So we have Navarre popping in for a little bit to answer some questions, which we'll get to. But first, Cady, we have some questions directly for you if you're ready for some needling and noodling.

Cady Moore (01:55)
I so ready for the needling and noodling. Hit me with it.

Sharilyn Wester (02:00)
Perfect. Well,

I think first of all, before we needle and noodle, we need to doodle. And in doodling, we need to figure out what exactly is de-nesting

What from your perspective does de-nesting mean and how did you carry out that?

Cady Moore (02:16)
Yeah, so ⁓ de-nesting refers to like you've nested, you've made your little home, your little goblin nest together and it involves differentiation. like separating of those two, or multiple I guess, pieces. So it's it's moving out but I think the use of the word de-nesting, at least to me,

has more of a connotation of intentionality and a conscious choice. It's not like a, I'm moving out. It's like, no, we are going to separate our households now and move forward with two separate households. I think moving out often is a part of a breakup and that is not what this is.

Sharilyn Wester (03:08)
Yeah, absolutely. How did you know that it was time to de-nest instead of just needing space for a bit? Because obviously when you're nested, that's part of the commitment that you make to each other. Or sometimes I think in, as we consider in monogamy, it is like the next step or is representative of a certain kind of intimacy or connection to your partner. So ⁓ in choosing to de-nest, how did you know it was time?

and why make that choice instead of just taking space for a little

Cady Moore (03:41)
Yeah, absolutely. So it was a very, I mean, it was a long kind of drawn out process of conversation. To give a little bit more backstory, so Navarre and I met or reconnected as adults in 2015 before I moved from Minnesota to Seattle.

And I lived in Seattle for a year by myself. And then Navarre at the time was living in Arizona. And then he moved to Seattle in 2016 and moved right in with me. So we went straight from long distance for a year to living together. There was no like dating, courting, seeing how people, how like we each lived and like talking about what it would look like to live together or, I mean, we were also

children, like we were 23. ⁓ And so I think that in many ways, like a lot of the preparation work that goes into the really big commitment that is and like shared project that is building a household together, we just didn't have the skills to do. And so we kind of just wang it. ⁓ And it for the most part was like good for

in like so many ways, there were great parts of living together. And also like we consistently had the same fights and conflict all the time. Like, and it was all over chores. It was all over household management because like I like my space, like I vacuum every day. Like not the whole house, but like if I notice that there's like a little bit of hair in one corner, then I'm about to pull out my vacuum and I'm gonna vacuum that whole room.

because like if there's hair clustered in that corner, that means that there's probably hair in other corners. I'm a curly girl. have hair, he and I are both curly girls. ⁓ And so like, I just have a really like high, I have a low window of tolerance for dirt and mess, which is like my own thing, part of neuro spicy, probably intergenerational trauma. There's a lot there. ⁓ I found a newspaper clipping about my grandma.

where she used to clean the whole house before she would go to work. And she said that her like biggest disappointment in life was that she was never going to be able to be perfect. And I was like, should show this to my therapist because this makes a lot of sense. Anyway, ⁓ so we've been having the same conflict for a decade before we finally de-nested. And it was like every

Sharilyn Wester (06:18)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. ⁓

Cady Moore (06:30)
couple months it was like we would  try a new form of household management that would try to take some of the pressure off of me for like being the one to be in charge of delegating chores and making sure chores get done and it never felt like it got better. ⁓ And you know we over time developed a lot of great strategies for navigating conflict and for like supporting each other through conflict but like the source of the conflict was always the same.

And so, yeah, ⁓ after I had been asking about trying to live apart for a couple years before Navarre was finally comfortable enough with it, for him, it was very important to him that his primary partner live and like his wife live with him. He was like, us having a shared home together is a key piece of this relationship. But eventually like through a lot of like conversation and a lot of couples therapy,

We're able to unpack some of the monogamy programming of that To where, Yeah, we were like, okay, let's give it a try and see what happens So yeah, so because it wasn't about needing space from him it was it was specifically about like Wanting it was specifically about different ways of handling chores, which is like feels so silly, but it's so true

Sharilyn Wester (07:47)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. Yeah, and when you guys decided to make that decision, was there fear around what people would think when they heard that? Because obviously I know even for Navarre, was like a, you know, it was very hard for him to conceptualize how are you still gonna be a married couple and how are you still going to be, you know, have this kind of representation of your relationship.

If you're no longer like choosing to live together, what does that mean for what we consider marriage? So was the idea of what other people would think of it ⁓ a factor for you at all?

Cady Moore (08:27)
Yeah, for sure. For multiple reasons. I mean, I definitely was worried about how my family was going to respond, my family and like my, like the elders that are part of my chosen family. Just because like they've been very accepting of my non-monogamy, but like I think there's a difference between accepting and understanding. And so I definitely was like, what are they gonna think?

And what are they gonna say? And what are they gonna wonder? And like, are people gonna gossip? And then I realized like, okay, if they do, fine. Like all I can do is be as honest as possible and answer questions. And it's up to them to ask the questions and try to learn. I think there was also like, when we first decided to de-nest a lot of people in our life, even like other non-monogamous folks were like, whoa, is everything okay? And so there was a certain level of like,

Every time I got that question, I'm like, ⁓ are we doing something wrong? Like, is this bad? But yeah, so there was definitely fear around it. I don't know that it, at least for me, played, like it didn't play a role in my decision making, but it was definitely something that I like thought of and was like, God, I'm not looking forward to this part of this experience.

Sharilyn Wester (09:25)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely. And so in response to that and like hearing a lot of that feedback, did you and do you still get the like, are you guys getting divorced question? Like, how do you handle it? I know you're just saying like, sometimes it makes you kind of question yourself, but how have you now that it's been a few months and now that you've been living separately, what is your response to those questions or how does it make you feel now?

Cady Moore (10:06)
Yeah, I mean, I like when people ask like, else are you getting divorced? I just am like, nope. And then I kind of let them just like sit with like, I don't even, I don't even say anything past that. I kind of just let them like sit with that no and be like, okay, what? Like, but yeah, I definitely do get it. I mean, I was just at my grandma's celebration of life and definitely got the question of like,

Sharilyn Wester (10:08)
Mm.

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Cady Moore (10:35)
So wait, are you guys separated? And it's like, nope, we're, we just don't live together. Like we are, we're not separated. We're good. Everything's fine. Yeah.

Sharilyn Wester (10:44)
Yeah, absolutely. ⁓

So I think with that, and with the change ⁓ of like your physical spaces, how have you found that you navigate staying emotionally connected now that you're physically separate? Because obviously, you know, this doesn't mean you guys have broken up. This doesn't mean you guys aren't together. It's just

changed the way that you guys connect and obviously taking out a lot of the thing that instigated a lot of the disconnection. So yeah, again, on that note, how do you navigate feeling connected now while you guys are physically separate? How has that changed?

Cady Moore (11:18)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, totally. I mean, it's interesting because like Navarre and I have never been like big texters. So we're trying to do a little bit more of like keeping each other up to date over text. We've gotten into a habit of like good morning and good night and like what are you looking forward to today or what was your favorite part of your day? Just little check-ins. We also recently

initiated when we have our date nights like consciously trying to use the first initial part of that time because often he's coming while I'm just winding down my work day and so before doing anything else just taking some time to just like reconnect and say hi and sit together for a second ⁓ and check in.

Sharilyn Wester (12:13)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cady Moore (12:16)
about what's been going on and how each other's days are going and how life has been ⁓ before diving into whatever activity we have planned or diving into cooking dinner or whatever it may be. Really consciously opening with a, hey, how are things going? What's been going on in your world? ⁓ I think that we are doing a lot more of sharing when things make us think of the other person.

Sharilyn Wester (12:32)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (12:42)
like

little moments of like, oh, I heard this song and it me think of you, which is really nice. So yeah, I would say like, honestly, and this is something, spoiler alert. Well, I guess it's not a spoiler. Our interview with Navarre, we were having some tech issues, so Sharilyn couldn't actually hear any of Navarre's responses. So when we clip that in here, just.

Sharilyn Wester (13:08)
It's gonna be just as much of a surprise

to me, y'all.

Cady Moore (13:12)
⁓ But that's actually one of the things that he brought up is that it I mean, it's obviously not the same as long-distance dating but it is similar and that you find more conscious ways to connect with one another and When you do have time together, it's much more intentional because you're like this is the time that we get together I don't have the benefit now of being able to see this person every single day and so when we are spending time together I want to make sure that like

It's good. It's also been really good. Yeah. And it's been really good for helping us resolve conflict quicker. ⁓ cause like, as we've talked before, our sweet Narvy is a stewer He like, he sits with his feelings and kind of broods before saying anything or he won't say anything until you ask him to, which is his own stuff and his own way of trying to not negatively impact other people. because our time is limited, we've gotten a lot better at being like, T.O.

Sharilyn Wester (13:38)
intentional.

Cady Moore (14:07)
I'm sensing some frustration right now. can we just, can we just air this out? what's going on for you? And now that we don't love, this may be bad, but since he doesn't really have anywhere to go, he can't do the avoidant, I'm just irritated and walk off thing and go to his room and then date nights over, ⁓ which had happened before in the past. And so now it's like, we have to just like,

If we're not able to communicate and we are having conflict and there's miscommunication, we have to just go, okay, it's very clear that we're not gonna understand this. Let's set it aside. It's fine. It's not a big deal. It really doesn't matter that much. We can come back to it if it ends up being conflict. We can save this for couples therapy in a couple weeks, like whatever.

Sharilyn Wester (14:46)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cady Moore (14:56)
which has been also really good practice setting for both of us in getting better at recognizing when we're having feelings come up and how to navigate them because we don't want our time together to be spent with one of us being pissy about something. It's like, let's just not, we can't do that. This is our one night a week that we get together. And I'm not okay with us being grumpy throughout it.

Sharilyn Wester (14:59)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

So it sounds like a theme I'm hearing from a lot of this is like the main thing that this has brought back to your relationship in all areas is intentionality. So you're intentional, you're very intentional about navigating conflict, your intention about your time, your intentional about what connection means rather than I think when you're nesting with someone it being a passive thing of like, okay, well I'll see you then and like maybe we'll fit in a movie night here but I don't know, I got a busy week. It's this is our time, this is our time to connect.

Cady Moore (15:27)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn Wester (15:48)
We are doing this because we love each other and this time is for us. And the way that we get to shape that because we are putting like limits on it or because we're in separate spaces has brought more value in the quantity or in the quality rather than endless quantity. It's kind of a theme I'm getting.

Cady Moore (15:53)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Totally,

totally. And I do miss getting the like him coming home from work and telling me the funny thing that happened. I do miss that a lot. And that's where, you know, we can maybe figure out how to get more of that, but it might not happen and that's okay.

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (16:26)
So Sharilyn's next question gets kind of lost in her audio. So the question that she asks me next is, how has your neurodivergence or how has neurodivergence shaped the transition for you?

Cady Moore (16:38)
⁓ I mean, I think that being neurodivergent is part of what made the transition happen, be quite honest. Because I think the more that I learn about my neuro spiciness, the more I recognize how much accommodation I actually need. And because of my own conditioning and not wanting to be a nagging partner, not wanting to manage my partner, not wanting to

Sharilyn Wester (16:54)
Mm.

Cady Moore (17:05)
be taking on the emotional labor of running a household. Like a lot of the accommodations that I needed I didn't ask for because I didn't realize that they were accommodations. mean and like over time like Navarre and I did a great job and this is something that that he and I also talked about in our in our little mini interview is like we've always kind of done life differently than how most people would do it.

Sharilyn Wester (17:14)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (17:34)
and have like intentionally tried to create like individual spaces for us each to have, which I think was because of both of our, our, our brands of NeuroSpicy really needing to have like a safe space that's, that's ours, ⁓ that we have control over that we can go into and it can be our sanctuary. I do think that like my ADHD is something that is like,

Sharilyn Wester (17:43)
Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (18:04)
I can see myself being not an easy roommate because it's like, how do you explain the logic of being obsessively clean and needing things to be clean while simultaneously having a giant pile of stuff on your desk, and having clutter in different corners and how do you reconcile that? And like to me it makes sense, but I can see why it wouldn't to other people. So I think.

Sharilyn Wester (18:07)
Absolutely.

Cady Moore (18:28)
Yeah, I think if anything, the neurodivergence shaped the why in a lot of ways.

Sharilyn Wester (18:33)
Absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah, I think one thing ⁓ that I think is really interesting too when it comes to not only de-nesting as a married couple, but de-nesting and non-monogamy is

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (18:48)
Okay, another amazing Sharilyn question that gets lost. So I literally copied and pasted this from the transcript. So she says, when you're in any kind of relationship where you do have like a legal tie, someone is your spouse, et cetera, and then all of the things that are afforded to that position, all of the privileges, how do you maintain that level of prioritization or hierarchy when you do decide to de-nest? Or does that change the conversation of what that looks like?

Are there ways that that prioritizing changes as far as time spent or how you consider and look at your relationship or does it just make it more valuable in other ways?

Cady Moore (19:26)
That's such an interesting question I love that. I, one of the things ⁓ I feel like there's two places to go with this. and so I'm thinking, I'm like, ⁓ the first one though that comes to mind is hosting. I love hosting events. And when, and when Navarre and I hosted events together, we had our roles and it was one of the things that I loved doing together as a team. Because it just it,

Sharilyn Wester (19:46)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (19:52)
I don't know, it felt like it was us, like it was Cady and Navarre, like was mom and dad hosting, and I had a housewarming party in August and I really missed that. I remember feeling, and so I'm glad that we're talking about this because I'm like, I'm hosting a Halloween party next week. And I'm like, ⁓ I need to talk to Navarre about how I want him to be involved because I want it to feel like that again. Because I really, I like when he does have.

Sharilyn Wester (19:54)
Yeah, as a unit.

Cady Moore (20:18)
involvement in, in hosting. I want to still be able to host as Cady and Navarre, even when the space is my space, not ours together. ⁓ and it's also interesting because, my other partner, Brandon, he spends a lot of time at my house, ⁓ because he, he lives nearby, he has grandparents nearby, he has a car, Navarre does not. and so he spends a lot more time here and he does a lot more

chores around the house. he helped me do my whole yard and and he's very he's an acts of service girly and so for him he's like I am all hands on deck when Cady has an event because I like to be helpful in that way and so I think it's also a good reminder of like

⁓ okay, here's this role that Brandon gets to play. Now what role is Navarre going to get to play in this space now that, you know, it's not a built-in default, Navarre is the other host. And so that's something that'll be really fun to navigate. And I can maybe report back if I remember to bring it back up. And I think that that kind of segues into the family conversation too, where like, because, and this is something that I've talked about with my sister that ⁓

Sharilyn Wester (21:13)
Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (21:31)
our grandma's celebration of life was last weekend and it was on a Saturday. And so both Navarre and my sibling work in the service industry, which means that they lost their paycheck for that week because they had to take the weekend off work. And a little bit of frustration and resentment that that is the default for when events happen are weekends, which is when they have to work weekends and evenings. And you know,

with me being self-employed and it's like, well, I can do things whenever. And so Navarre is pretty consistently missing from family events because those events are for some reason always scheduled on the weekends. And so it's very...

interesting I think and that's part of the outsiders perception because people don't get to see Navarre and I together and they don't get to see and understand our relationship and so what they perceive is like ⁓ Cady's showing up to all these events with her new partner but not with her husband and now they're moving out and so hmm there must be something else going on there and it's like well if you plan shit for when it didn't cost us money for him to go like then maybe you'd see him more.

Sharilyn Wester (22:45)
Absolutely.

Cady Moore (22:48)
But yeah, so I don't know that I answered your question, but it did something

Sharilyn Wester (22:48)
Absolutely. Well, and I think one thing

Yeah,

no, and I think all answers are valid and I think one thing I really took from that also was that like in having a partner who's considered or within your life a primary partner for a long time and then all of the societal things that go into support that role are taken away you kind of get to have a a bird's-eye view of ⁓ There are some aspects of that that was afforded to me as a nesting primary partner

Cady Moore (23:20)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn Wester (23:20)
that I miss and now I get to choose how we reintroduce them without having a lot of the conflict that comes with cohabitating. Like you said, like, ⁓ I really miss hosting with him. Like now what are some ways where we can figure out a way to do that together, even though we're not in the same space. So like we get to do all the fun hosting, we're a unit and we're a couple thing, but we don't have to have the three hour argument that drags into days after because clean up after was not.

Cady Moore (23:23)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn Wester (23:50)
equally shared. Like we still get all the joy of this.

Cady Moore (23:52)
Or because you turned the

garage into a smoking lounge and didn't tell me and now I can't park in it.

Sharilyn Wester (23:57)
Right.

Exactly. Well, and it's like, now you get to do all the things that you love, but you get to adapt it so you don't have all the things that would conflict with that. Or ⁓ you really like when he was able to recap and tell him about your day when you guys were cohabitating. And now you get to figure out ways to get that joy without

Cady Moore (24:08)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn Wester (24:24)
also feeling

overstimulated that someone's right in your space and wanting to offload about their day. Like you get to get all of the goodness without the conflict or the ⁓ setup that was contributing to conflict. And you get to rediscover what that means as spouses. Like what does being a spouse and what does being your wife mean in a way that like I'm super fucking stoked about it now. And this is not only functional but this is helping me thrive and you are also thriving.

Cady Moore (24:28)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yum.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn Wester (24:53)
which I know we'll probably hear more about what he has to say on that. It will be new to me also. And then I think for our final question,

Cady Moore (24:53)
Yeah.

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (25:01)
Sharilyn goes on to say, if you could give couples who are considering de-nesting one piece of advice, what would it be?

Sharilyn Wester (25:09)
And with that note, I wanna say, I think we're very, very gradually iceberg slow moving towards this being more accepted because in recent years, I've heard more acceptance about two separate bedroom things.

Cady Moore (25:18)
Yeah.

Sharilyn Wester (25:22)
which a lot of people are starting to do now and finding great success in, and that like, my partner's up all night, I need to get to bed, or like, they are snore, I'm not, or like, they have their own space, I have my own space. I'm hearing a lot more about that. But when it comes to complete de-nesting, ⁓ what advice do you have for people?

Cady Moore (25:22)
Mm-hmm.

think it's less advice and more affirmation ⁓ that like, that it's okay if you want to try that out and if that ends up, if y'all are better partners than roommates, that's okay. I do also think that starting in smaller ways of reclaiming that space and energy. mean, Navarre and I have had, I have my own space, my own office space.

Sharilyn Wester (25:45)
Mm-hmm.

Absolutely.

Cady Moore (26:08)
starting with our third apartment that we lived in together and then just continued from there. We didn't have separate actual bedrooms for sleeping until our last house, ⁓ but each change felt a little bit better every time and helped make the conflict feel a little bit less and less. So yeah, micro dose it, try it out in different ways and try

creating your own spaces, your own sanctuaries first and like see if that does it for you. Cause maybe it will. I mean, it didn't for us. It did, it did for us though. it worked for a long time. and, and I really, I don't know. I'm just really proud of us. I, ⁓ I view ⁓ Navarre as like my lifelong teammate.

Sharilyn Wester (26:51)
I am too.

Cady Moore (26:58)
I know. And when people ask about our relationship, I'm just like, I don't even know how to describe it. It's the most unique relationship I've ever been in. it is so different.

Sharilyn Wester (27:07)
that's like the most non-monogamous

thing you could say is that I reject that there's like necessarily labels and expectations attached to this, but in my heart, I know that we are like we're lifers and that's so valid. Yeah.

Cady Moore (27:14)
Yeah.

Yeah, like this person's my buddy.

Like, he brings so much goodness and so much stability and joy and like so much of what I need as a human. And so it's just, yeah, I'm like, so whatever we gotta do to keep that feeling happy and healthy, you know?

Sharilyn Wester (27:34)
Absolutely!

Absolutely,

and you both are thriving and I know you both are doing really well with it and it's you know, I think again like that joy of intentionality is so important and I think I think it's it's Really important that people understand

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (27:55)
Okay, another example of me copying and pasting the transcript because what Sharilyn has to say is so important. But she says that it's important for people to understand that de-nesting is an option before you drive your relationship into the ground because something isn't working and you're still trying to make that one thing work because that's what's expected of you. What if you could have all of the great parts of your marriage and also...

Sharilyn Wester (28:18)
decide to right not push anything that doesn't feel good, you know, and I think that's, that's really important for people to know. And I think it's, you know, and hearing even that, you know, a lot of non-monogamous people are scandalized by this. It's like, there's more normalcy in, in the non-binary and the ⁓ stepping away from kind of the monogamous step ladder that I think a lot of people should consider. And I think it's great that we

Cady Moore (28:18)
Not the shitty parts.

Yeah.

Sharilyn Wester (28:44)
kind of have this topic about it. Absolutely.

Cady Moore (28:47)
100%. It's like what, like

what if, what if more people who were monogamous got to borrow structures from non-monogamy. I don't know. just, and this is, this is why like when I, cause I'm a, I'm a dating coach and I, and I like am a non-monogamous dating coach and I have, and I have clients that are non-monogamous, but I also have lots of clients that are monogamous. And this is why I'm like the best person.

Sharilyn Wester (28:56)
Exactly.

Cady Moore (29:13)
for you to learn from is someone who's non-monogamous because I'm going to break your brain a little bit and your monogamous relationship is going to be different from any from ever before because all of a sudden you're going to be seeing things from a completely different perspective. So absolutely. Yeah.

Sharilyn Wester (29:26)
Absolutely. You're gonna have a total ideology or like

perspective shift, which I think sometimes you don't get until you see someone do it and be like, that is possible. That's not just like completely out of.

Cady Moore (29:35)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Or someone asks you the question and you're like, huh, why do I do that? But I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. So, ⁓ let's, no, no, I was gonna say, let's take a quick break and then we will, and then then we'll splice in our interview with, ⁓ with Navarre here. ⁓ and

Sharilyn Wester (29:42)
Exactly. I don't know. Absolutely. Well, thank you. Yeah, go ahead.

Cady Moore (30:00)
Yeah, so if y'all have any other questions about non-monogamy de-nesting, you know where to find us, Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat, @KneeDeepPod on Instagram We'll give everything else at the end too. But yeah, we're gonna take a break and then you'll hear from Navarre. Wee!

Sharilyn Wester (30:14)
Yaaaa! Let's bring on Narvy! ⁓

Sharilyn Wester (30:29)
We have a special guest today, and it's actually someone I don't think we've featured yet before, surprisingly. ⁓ This is Navarre He is Cady's partner, also my partner, and he's here to answer a couple questions about de-nesting.

Cady Moore (30:36)
because you guys hate me.

Sharilyn Wester (30:48)
Did either of you worry that de-nesting would change your non-monogamous dynamic or has it actually helped?

Cady Moore (30:56)
Yeah, actually think this one is a pretty easy one to start with ⁓ I Don't think it had any impact on the non-monogamy aspect of it ⁓ I think it was a lot more about our own individual relationship than what non-monogamy looked like for us So yeah, I don't I don't think it actually had any effect Yeah, yeah, I think one thing about

about Navarre and I is that we have like really from honestly from the beginning of our relationship as a whole I would say have worked really hard to build a relationship that works for both of us regardless of what expectations existed. ⁓ Like I'm the one who proposed ⁓ we had a very mutual like wedding planning situation like

I don't know, I just feel like we've always done so many things on such an even level ⁓ that it just felt very natural for us to just do whatever was gonna work for us. So like the non-monogamy aspect I think has not been necessarily changed or impacted per se. Yeah. Yeah.

Sharilyn Wester (32:15)
⁓ Yes, great answers from you both. ⁓ Those were very thorough and concise answers. Thank you for answering that. ⁓ Our second question. What's one thing that has gotten better since de-nesting? Navarre, you can go first.

Cady Moore (32:27)
You

Gladly, thank you. ⁓

Sharilyn Wester (32:35)
You

Cady Moore (32:39)
Oh my god. So I think the primary thing that I didn't even said anything yet. Oh my god.

Sharilyn Wester (32:46)
Yeah, that

is completely reasonable. Cady, what about you?

Cady Moore (32:54)
yes, they answer that question. ⁓ the thing that's gotten better is, ⁓ we've been a lot more intentional about the time that we spend together. And also there's a growing of like want to be together and in the same space. I'd say in general, it's kind of, it kind of goes back to the core of any relationship of the like never stop dating your person where.

once you start in meshing in, you know, once started meshing with each other, it becomes more of a situations where I'm always seeing this person. It's not as special when I see them on a day to day basis. ⁓ That's not to say the person is no longer special, but it's the moments that you have with each other. They're happening more frequently and on more mundane levels like, yeah, this is the person I always see when I'm going to the bathroom or when I'm going to get

cup of coffee or a bowl of cereal. It's like very like every part of your day includes this person. And so when you when you don't get to see this person that you really care about and want to spend a lot of time with, we don't seem as frequently than the like the need to see them continues to grow. And then it turns slowly from like a need and to also want and

Sharilyn Wester (33:57)
Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (34:19)
It really makes you appreciate the person that you're with because you're not seeing them as frequently and therefore when you actually get time together, it's finding like. Hell yeah, and I think you can agree with this that like law. It's kind of similar in long distance where we don't get to see each other as frequently. So the moments that we do get to it's like a word we're soaking up this time because it'll be months until we see each other again. Obviously this is a small scale situation, but.

Again, there's levels to it. It all goes back to the core of, you know, relationships that you never want to stop dating your person. That was cute. ⁓ yeah, I would have to agree. And I think you also add in, at least for me, like part of living with a person, any person is like putting up with their shit. And, by that specifically, I just mean like,

⁓ I mean, I think of myself, like I do a lot of visual to-do lists where I leave piles of stuff by a door because it's to remind myself that I need to bring it out of the room. Like the little quirks that come with living from someone and some of them are cute and charming and some of them are annoying. And managing and co-managing a household together when you have different perspectives on what chores look like and how often they should be done and things like that ⁓ is conflict inducing. And so

Sharilyn Wester (35:44)
Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (35:48)
I think one of things that I really appreciate is that like I now get to only associate my time with you with hell yeah, Navarre is coming over. I'm so excited or like, I'm so excited to do this thing with Navarre, not like, great, we need to talk about when we're gonna do this chore because it's annoying me that this chore hasn't been done and we need to do it. And so like, it takes out that part of like management ⁓ and like managing your partner in a way, which ⁓

is something I'll probably talk about when it's just me is my family shit. ⁓ yeah, so like that is a big, a big change too. Is that like now whenever we're spending time together, the only thing that we have to talk about is, you know, we talk about our relationship and relationship maintenance things, but like, we don't have to talk about chores and household management and financial management and those types of things. we just get to spend our time together, having fun, doing the things that bring us joy.

and connecting with one another, which is really nice. It's like, if I add onto that, it's like, it's like being at work with your coworkers versus going out for like drinks with your coworkers. Yeah. Yeah. Work will still come up eventually, but like ultimately like it's a lot lighter. Like you don't have to be and it's shared. You're not on the clock and have to, you know, engage in a specific way. Like you're hanging out enjoying, and then also like

Word eventually gets done in one way or another. Yeah, for sure.

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (37:19)
Here Sharilyn asks us what our favorite part of seeing each other is now that we have our own spaces.

Cady Moore (37:26)
For me, I would definitely say it's that I count down till when Narv gets here. I check his location and I'm like, okay, when are you gonna get here? And on date nights in particular, when it's ⁓ getting around four o'clock, I'm like, okay, is he on his way? Do we get to hang out? There's that excitement. ⁓

And then like when I know that I'm going to an event or like I'm going to go see him somewhere, there's the added excitement of like, Narvey's here. Yeah. Or we've got to go to this because, because Navarra is going to be there. and, yeah, so that's, that's my, that's my favorite thing. Yeah, that's good. I think it's going to sound a little silly, but, ⁓ something that I I'm great at, something I'm great at.

is cooking when I have the ingredients and my biggest struggle is getting the ingredients in so being able to come and Like cooking a meal for my partner. It's like she's like, I have all his ingredients But I'm also like finishing up work and I also have these tours I'm tidying and I'm like doing much things like it really allows me a moment to step in as a partner and to be like Let me handle this thing so you don't have to handle it anymore. And it's something I enjoy doing

And it's a it is a fun little win win where Cady is able to be taken care of. I'm able to do something I really enjoy that also takes care of her. And it's something that I don't really get to experience as frequently being, you know, if we were in this being one of my own house, but then also when we were living together because Cady is like, I got to do this, got to do that. And

Sometimes it gets missed. having set time where, know, I don't know, we can just honestly being able to create those moments and having space and time for me, it's coming here is out of my normal day to day. And so when I get to cook these meals that feel special, cause it's unusual when I get to like sit on the couch with Cady that I love that cause it's unusual. Like it's all these things that aren't happening in my day to day where I'm like going to work, you know,

feet looking after cats, et cetera. ⁓ Yeah, the best part is that it's unusual from the day to day. And I want her to be the unusual from the day to day because that's what partnership is about. It's finding that that's special. Special is a better word than unusual. I mean, I'm also unusual. It's fine. You're unusually special. I'm unusually special. ⁓ And you have to go to the bus. I do. So we love you. Thank you for being here. Yeah. You're the best.

Sharilyn Wester (40:11)
Yes, that is very curious and some would question that but it's so nice that you expanded upon those points Thanks for meeting you. Thanks for meeting us and we really hope that you're a guest in the future Thank you for your insight all would probably agree with what you said on all of those oh Oh, sir, this is professional studio stop

Cady Moore (40:12)
We appreciate you.

Thanks for meeting you too.

Sharilyn Wester (40:42)
⁓ no, not the ankle! ⁓ god, can't ovulate on camera, not again!

Cady Moore (40:43)
A little ankle for the gram. Be

careful, it can bring a shoulder.

Sharilyn Wester (40:52)
*laughter*

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (40:54)
And with that very silly ending, that brings our denesting episode to a conclusion. I would highly recommend if you can swing it to support our Patreon so you can watch the video version of that interview because it was very silly. But with that being said, thanks again for being here. This is Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat. You can find us on Instagram at @KneeDeepPodcast. You can send us your thoughts, feedback, listener questions, whatever you want to send us to our Gmail, which is

kneedeeppodcastmailbag@gmail.com Thank you so much for listening and we will see you in two weeks for a very exciting episode all about queer sex ed featuring queer sex educator Eva Bloom. So we'll see you soon y'all have a good one.

Knee Deep In The Passenger ... (41:40)
Oh and don't forget to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks.