Knee Deep in Non-Monogamy

Welcome back to Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat, your favorite GayDHD podcast hosted by Cady and Sharilyn. This week, we’re taking the scenic route through non-monogamy: how we practice it, what it means to us, and how we manage everything from jealousy to joy (and all the chaos in between).

💬 In this episode, we talk about:

• How hierarchy, solo poly, and kitchen-table dynamics actually play out in real life
• What jealousy really means and how to turn it into self-knowledge
• Why communication and check-ins are the unsung heroes of healthy relationships
• How capitalism creeps into our expectations of love and commitment
• The overlap between polyamory, queerness, and kink — and why the Venn diagram can sometimes look like a circle
• What community looks like when your chosen family is your family

You’ll also hear about our D&D-inspired polycule (yes, there’s a D20 on our imaginary coat of arms), a spontaneous Pokémon metaphor, and why it’s totally valid to both cry over your luteal phase and fight God on a Tuesday.

🎧 Listen if you’ve ever wondered how people “make poly work,” if you’ve struggled with jealousy, or if you just want to eavesdrop on two queer femmes laughing their way through love, logistics, and the human experience.

Referenced in this Episode:

• @femmmeow

Follow Us:

• Instagram: @KneeDeepPodcast
• TikTok: @KneeDeepPodcast
• Cady: @ageofsexploration
• Sharilyn: @queerwomenspoetrycollective

Support Us on Patreon:

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Send Us Your Questions or Comments:

We love hearing from you! Got a question or a topic you’d like us to cover? Email us at kneedeepodcastmailbag@gmail.com

Thanks for tuning in, and don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and review!

Transcript

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Sharilyn (00:00)
We've just fought God. And I think we're losing.

Cady Moore (00:29)
Welcome to Knee Deep in the Passenger Seat, our GayDHD podcast. I am Cady.

Sharilyn (00:36)
I'm Sharilyn and I'm mad.

Cady Moore (00:39)
No!

Sharilyn (00:40)
We're having major tech issues, so we're just kind of trying to jump in. ⁓ This is our podcast where we take --oh, let's switch!-- this is our podcast where we take the scenic route through sex, dating. Ooh, I love saying this. Dating, relationships, non-monogamy, queer culture, and all the spicy stuff in between. I'm Sharilyn.

Cady Moore (00:49)
you

And I'm Cady and buckle up because today we are diving into non-monogamy. We are going to be answering questions about it from our lived experience and then diving into some of our niches and just like kind of getting personal with it. So buckle up and get ready for a good time for as long as Riverside wants to behave itself. Woo!

So before we do that though, Sharilyn, what is in your passenger seat today besides the tech gremlins?

Sharilyn (01:38)
Yeah,

I was gonna say those tech gremlins and it's so funny because they're giving God's biggest fight to the most inequipped Neuro spicy people who are so activated by this. ⁓ Other than that though, I'm great. I got myself a little bevy from Starbys. I got some egg bites and I was telling Cady earlier I was like shoveling them in my mouth angrily while we've been trying to figure this out. ⁓ But other than that, ⁓ I have kind of come to the realization that I

Like if you guys listened in our last season, we were talking about microdoses of joy. I am in a rut and I need to start cultivating more microdoses of joy in my life and literally scheduling them. Like I literally need to schedule time to make art, time to read. And I think when you are constantly at home, if you're a stay at home mom, know, like your workspace or the area that you are productive is the home and then you're parenting in the home and then your downtime is in the home and

Cady Moore (02:12)
Mmm.

Mmm, yeah.

Sharilyn (02:36)
It's really hard to have any kind of clear lines of delineation. So yeah, so in my passenger seat, I've been noodling on self care. What about you, Cady? Cake.

Cady Moore (02:44)
love that. ⁓ It's

interesting because that's actually something that like I've been really focused on over the past. I've just honestly I've been going through it. Like it's been a very very tough couple of weeks around here and like I don't... yeah months like and it's hard because like I recognize that that I mean God that's true for so many people and that's not to invalidate my own experience but

Sharilyn (02:57)
Do you have months, I would say? Yeah.

Cady Moore (03:10)
One of the things that I have been starting to do a better job of is ⁓ making sure that I get like at least two mornings a week where it is just me in my house, no partner sleeping over, no pilates, no leaving. I just get to like move slow, wake up in my bed, enjoy the sunshine or the rain like this morning. And it's been really, it's been a game changer. ⁓ And yeah, I just.

It really is about having to actually carve out and block off the space. Otherwise we'll just schedule right over it. So like honestly, so that I'm not like a broken record, what's in my passenger seat is that my luteal phase is my biggest opp.

Sharilyn (03:58)
Yeah, canonically, it's the opp that I feel like comes back around every month and you're just like, my nemesis again. I know this. I literally have memes saved on my phone about luteal phase to send you that I keep forgetting. But like, it's so canonically part of your lore that like, your luteal phase and you square up.

Cady Moore (03:59)
you

Yeah! It's like it's... Yep!

Like every time.

I do, square up and as soon as I start to get, I get to like day 18 in my cycle, I'm like, oh, the next seven days are gonna be fraught. They will be fraught. I am fighting God. So like I've already cried three times today and like there's gonna be more and it's fine, it's fine. We're here.

Sharilyn (04:28)
You are fighting God. Yeah.

⁓ baby, I'm sorry. Yeah. ⁓ if I can

hold you through any of it, just know I have your big naturals and heart just in my palms. ⁓ Yeah, and you know what? We almost had a fourth, but here we are. We made it. Yes, we did. ⁓

Cady Moore (04:42)
I love you, Forrest!

Woohoo! We did it! We did it! And

I'm super excited for us to talk about non-monogamy today. I know that this is something that folks have really been asking about. It's really like what got us started with even wanting to start a podcast, was we went on Instagram Live talking about non-monogamy and people were like, we want more of this. ⁓ So yeah, so really, really excited for what we're bringing to the table today. ⁓

Sharilyn (04:58)
Yeah.

Yeah

Me too. I...

Cady Moore (05:18)
And Sharilyn has prepared some

wonderful questions for us to go through. So we.

Sharilyn (05:21)
I did,

I did. Yeah, I'm really excited for us to cover it too. Keep in mind, y'all, this is not necessarily gonna be an in-depth deep dive into non-monogamy. This is us sharing our personal experiences and it's all anecdotal, it's all personal to us. I think one thing to note at the top of this episode is non-monogamy as a non-binary, and by binary I mean one thing or the other, by something that is... ⁓

constructed in your own needs and your own unique experience, you might not align with some of these and you might not practice the same way we do. is just how kind of talking about our own experiences. no, go ahead.

Cady Moore (06:04)
sorry, that's one of the things

that has been really important to me and is part of why I don't make on my Instagram, Age of Sexploration, I don't make a lot of non-monogamy content because I feel like so often it is taken as prescriptive and this is what you're supposed to do.

when really the beauty of non-monogamy is that you get to build whatever works for you and the other consenting adults that are in the relationship. And so like, yeah, I'm always a little ⁓ hesitant because I'm like, I don't want people to think that I'm telling folks how to live their life because I'm not, this is just how I live mine.

Sharilyn (06:31)
Absolutely.

Yeah. Right.

that, yeah,

and I think in our minds because relationships ⁓ like mononormativity have become very ⁓ like color in the numbers, like you do this and this and this, you have a relationship escalator, it's comfortable to approach non-monogamy and say, well, this is the way to do this and this is the way to do this. But truly when you're kind of in a gray area, it can be scary and there's so many different kinds of non-monogamy which we'll get into, but.

Cady Moore (06:52)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (07:06)
first question that we kind of have is Cady, what kind of non-monogamy do you practice? Whether that has a label or not, that's okay because again in non-monogamy oftentimes there might not even be a label for the way you practice. So what kind of non-monogamy do you practice?

Cady Moore (07:22)
Yeah, it's interesting because labels are always hard for me because I feel like I have to check all of the boxes in order to use the label. part of why my queer identity journey is so wavy. ⁓ I would say kitchen table is always the priority and the preference. And also I have found that specifically with one of my partners ⁓ that

Sharilyn (07:32)
Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (07:48)
has not always been what's most comfortable for their other partners or that has not necessarily been a desire ⁓ for them. so like without the drive to like without a metamour wanting kitchen table, which ⁓ folks we're going to maybe put in an aside here with definitions depending on how long we yap for and how much time we have in this episode. ⁓ So we're not going to give too many definitions, but

Sharilyn (07:55)
Yeah. Absolutely.

Cady Moore (08:15)
I will say that kitchen table is like where everybody interacts with each other. It is, I'm looking, I'm like, so everyone in the polycule is comfortable enough that you could literally sit around a kitchen table. Metamours often know each other, are friendly, may even hang out out of a shared partner context. The emphasis is on community and inclusivity. That's a quick kitchen table definition. So yeah, like kitchen table is always the goal and mostly, and I know we're not at this question, but that

is in many ways to help my partners and I navigate jealousy ⁓ because it's a lot easier to navigate jealousy when like the other person is someone known to you. ⁓ And also like I'm just a lover and I'm a community oriented person. And so I'm like, I just want everyone to cuddle and hang out ⁓ you know, we do and I think we have talked about this in an episode before, but there is.

Sharilyn (09:01)
Great. Yeah.

Cady Moore (09:10)
Like, I would not describe myself as a hierarchical, non-monogamy person. And also, ⁓ for my relationship with my spouse, a hierarchy has felt most comfortable for him ⁓ because the marriage for him really needs to be treated as a special thing that is cherished and prioritized.

And when we opened up that was really important to him and then and I get it and I and for what it's worth like the relationship is important to me as well and I don't necessarily know that like I think if I weren't married I would probably be solo poly but ⁓ But that is not the structure in which I entered into this journey and so there definitely is a hierarchical aspect in that way, but I would not like identify as like a hierarchical polyamory person

Sharilyn (09:49)
Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah. think that's one thing we've brought up on the podcast too, is that hierarchical poly has been so under fire, especially in a trend in the last one, two years. And rightfully so, think people should question every kind of relationship orientation. But a lot of people blindly sweep hierarchical polyamory.

Cady Moore (10:24)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (10:33)
as altogether unethical. ⁓ And I think if you have consenting adults entering into this arrangement, like when I started dating our shared partner, understood, like you guys had been married only a few months. I understood it and I accepted that. I had also been in a relationship of my own and it was long distance. So it was like not a big deal. ⁓ And that has been something that hasn't felt unethical to me. If I've ever had squishies around it, I've have

Cady Moore (10:45)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (11:01)
It's like maybe happened one or two times, but I never have a problem communicating that. And even then it's not even ⁓ due to a response to something. It's an inherently a ⁓ insecurity thing or my own thing that's reacting to. Right. Right.

Cady Moore (11:05)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's like a programming thing of like, this is what's coming up for me and because I know you,

I know this isn't the intention, but this is what I'm feeling. And then I get to go, no, this isn't about me wanting to spend more time with my husband. This is me wanting to spend more time with you, actually.

Sharilyn (11:28)
Right. Exactly. Exactly. And

I think ⁓ for my own answer, that is also the benefit of kitchen table. Like if you and I didn't have the great friendship that we have independent of our partner, we wouldn't be able to have those conversations and navigate, you know, those hard feelings when they come up. ⁓ I think you and I as Feelings First people,

Cady Moore (11:38)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Sharilyn (11:55)
⁓ are able to provide that insight to one another that sometimes our partners miss, which is fine. ⁓ For myself, I practice at this point ⁓ solo poly. Before I was in hierarchical, now I am solo as a quote unquote single person. Obviously I'm not single because I have multiple relationships, but, ⁓ and solo poly ⁓ is even more kind of ⁓ abstract in a way that there's so many ways to practice it as well.

Cady Moore (11:58)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (12:25)
⁓ But the basic definition is the shared partner maintains separate largely independent relationships. Metamours may know of each other, but have little or no interaction. So think of like planets orbiting the same sun, but not crossing paths. ⁓ So I am solo poly and the parts of that I adopt are that I am independent and my partners are all kind of independent orbs. ⁓ Two of my partners do interact and they're friends and it's really cute. They play like, you know, games with each other, but they're not hanging out all the time.

Cady Moore (12:53)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (12:54)
⁓ Kitchen table for me comes in my metamour relationship, especially obviously with you, in that we are great friends, we hang out independently, we get to do this together, we make time for each other, we have conversations independent of our partner. If there is some kind of gathering or group thing, like if you are not there, I am not well. like, it's great that our partner shows up too, but like, where are you? ⁓

Cady Moore (13:23)
Excuse me, where's

my friend? My friend's supposed to be here.

Sharilyn (13:24)
Excuse me, right, exactly. Exactly. So

I consider myself solo poly in the fact that I am independently a quote unquote single person moving through the world with multiple relationships of different orientations and commitments. But I'm kitchen table in the fact that I always welcome it. particularly I don't want to say always, particularly in our dynamic. It has grown into a very solid kitchen table, which has been great for all of us.

Cady Moore (13:49)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (13:51)
I'm the same in you in that I don't necessarily feel the need to have to be friends with everyone, but if it evolves into that naturally and organically, that's fine. Our shared partner, it's nice to have. Yeah, our shared partner, I haven't really met or like communicated with any of their partners. like really, I had like one interaction, I think, with one of their exes that was unpleasant.

Cady Moore (13:56)
Yeah.

Yeah, it's a nice to have.

Sharilyn (14:16)
A few months back and then they blocked me on Instagram for some reason which is weird, but Yeah, I've never talked to them except they're really mean I didn't know who they are who they were but they knew who I was and they're really mean to me ⁓ so so and and I know which is like fine, but for me independently I'm like I don't feel the need to seek it out and like if if they happen to date someone who's really cool and they like stick around and they like we happen to do group things like hell yeah, like please

Cady Moore (14:21)
I didn't

No! Nobody needs to be mean to Sharilyn!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sharilyn (14:46)
Please bring them into your, like, I want to share more of your joy with you, so that's fine. It's just never the expectation. It's always mutual consent. And so in our kind of quad that we have, ⁓ we all have consented to this and we all thrive on it. And we all luckily have the personalities to mesh really well. And that's not always the case, and that's okay. ⁓ So speaking of like not meshing well,

Cady Moore (14:50)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Sharilyn (15:10)
One of the biggest things that comes up when it comes to non-monogamy that people who are monogamous bring up is jealousy. Well, I could never do that. I could never date multiple people. I would be too jealous. I would do that. ⁓ I think it's important to note polyamorous people do not necessarily inherently not get jealous. We just learn the tool sets to either manage it, to work through it, to live alongside it.

Cady Moore (15:18)
Mm-hmm.

⁓ I mean, yeah.

Sharilyn (15:39)
How do you, manage your jealousy in polyamorous relationships?

Cady Moore (15:44)
Yeah, totally. I mean, I think the biggest thing for me has been normalizing it and treating it like it's just a part of the full human experience. And so having safe spaces to honor when it's coming up and be able to say, and be able to say, I'm having this feeling. I know it's not rational. It's all in my head, but that doesn't make it not real for me right now. And I'm really in it.

Sharilyn (16:01)
honor. I like that.

Cady Moore (16:13)
And so like having community is huge for that. Like I know we like in our group chat, like it's so nice to have just a space to be like, I don't need anybody to say anything to me right now. I just need to throw out there that this thing happened and I'm feeling really upset about it. Thanks for holding this. Love you. Bye. Or sometimes like a, can you tell me if I'm being irrational or like maybe help me reframe this? I also think it is helpful to understand that jealousy and compersion, which

Sharilyn (16:17)
⁓ yes.

Yeah. Yeah.

I need some perspective. Yeah.

Cady Moore (16:42)
Compersion is sometimes called the opposite of jealousy. I don't know why I don't like that, but I don't, I haven't figured out, yeah, but compersion is the feeling of joy at someone else's happiness. And so like, I think being able to recognize over the last six years of practicing this, which is crazy, ⁓ that jealousy and compersion can live side by side and like be together at the same time. Like I recently had a conversation with a partner who,

Sharilyn (16:47)
It's, I have, I have feelings on that that I'll speak about in a sec.

Cady Moore (17:12)
was sharing something really exciting for them that I was really excited for them and immediately started feeling jealous and was able to say, because they like watched my face and they were like, you're having a reaction. And I'm like, I am feeling simultaneously really excited for you to get to do this thing that you've been so excited to have. And I'm feeling some combo of like grief that I don't get to do it with you and some jealousy, but like the goal is the compersion. And like, that's why I'm not

Like, yes, I'm having a reaction, but I wasn't gonna share my reaction with you. I just emote too much. Like, oops, my bad. ⁓ And I think that leaving space for that is really important. And one thing that I learned this actually ⁓ from our friend Skylar, who's @femmmeow on Instagram. ⁓ She said at one point that jealousy shines a light on unmet needs.

Sharilyn (17:47)
Right.

Cady Moore (18:12)
And I think that that, ever since I heard her say that, it has really helped me every time I feel jealous, reframe like, okay, you're feeling jealous, but like, what are you actually feeling jealous of? And in that moment, that's I was able to recognize like, this isn't jealousy, this is grief. This is a feeling that you were like looking forward to doing this thing with this person and now they're gonna do it without you. And like, you're feeling left out and that's making you feel grief. And like, that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.

Sharilyn (18:36)
Right. Right.

Cady Moore (18:40)
Like you don't want them to not do the thing. ⁓ But so like recognizing jealousy as an opportunity for you to check in with yourself and be like, okay, what is this trying to tell me right now? Like, what am I actually feeling? Am I just jealous because this person looks different than me?

and looks the way that like I wish I could look like that's, I think we've talked about this in the podcast that like my biggest thing, ⁓ I'm a tall girl, I'm five foot 10, I will never be small. And sometimes when my partner has dated people who are like teeny tiny, I'm like, I wanna be small. But like that's the kind of thing that, yeah. And that's the kind of thing that like.

Sharilyn (19:14)
Yeah, I wanna be a tiny, waifish little... Yeah.

Cady Moore (19:19)
they can't control, I can't control. So like, I just need to recognize like, okay, what is it about this? Is this just that you wanna feel small? Okay, well like, so ask your partner to throw you around a little bit. get that need met, girl. Exactly, I'm baby, remember? Yeah, and I know that some of that is probably very similar to how you navigate jealousy.

Sharilyn (19:28)
Yeah, absolutely. How do how can they make you feel baby?

Yeah, absolutely. So I learned early on, well, not early on, probably a couple of years into practicing something that was really helpful for me was that jealousy is a signifier emotion. It's a signal. It is not an actual emotion. And the branches of jealousy that exist are, if you're feeling jealous, ⁓ you are likely feeling fear, anger, or sadness. I'm feeling

Cady Moore (19:56)
Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (20:12)
I'm not feeling jealous, I'm feeling afraid that my partner is doing something or my partner will find something better. I'm feeling sad because I wish we did these things and you're going all these cute dates with other people and we're not doing these things. I'm feeling anger because maybe I've been asking for this and you haven't been giving it to me and now I see you with the new partner going out on all these dates and doing all these things and this excitement.

Cady Moore (20:21)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (20:39)
⁓ and I really, and I think it calls back to what you said at the beginning, which was, ⁓ and that I think is important is when we reframe jealousy, ⁓ what if we like honor it? What if jealousy is actually a really good thing because that signifier emotion, when you explore it, it is a doorway or a portal into the deepest most unhealed parts of yourself.

Cady Moore (20:39)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Oof

Sharilyn (21:09)
and you get an opportunity to fast track that work, to look directly at it that's coming up in this situation. So when you see that unhealed part of yourself, little you that maybe didn't get chosen, little you that maybe was picked over, little you that was crying out for needs to get met, that were never met, this portal is a gift because now you get to look at yourself and say, how can I

Cady Moore (21:14)
Mmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (21:36)
do that for myself, so I'm not depending on anyone for that. If I am able to fulfill that within me, I am no longer relying on someone to fill that baseline measure, they're just adding onto it. And whether or not they add onto it, I'm still good, I'm right here. So that's okay. And that is hard, because part of that does involve community. But if you're not feeling chosen, what friends do you know you can call who will pick up every time?

Cady Moore (21:37)
Mmm.

Mmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Sharilyn (22:06)
What, if you feel like your partner isn't planning cute dates for you or putting in the effort, ⁓ what are some things you can do for yourself that fulfill that need? ⁓ What are some ways you can come up with ⁓ a way to collaborate to make sure that happens? Is there a new system you need to implement on scheduling, on taking turns planning dates? ⁓ There's a lot that jealousy can teach us about ourselves.

Cady Moore (22:16)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (22:33)
And I think the work in jealousy is not taking that hurt that comes up because these are again, those deepest insecurities that hurt the most. It's like pressing in on those bruises that are really deep down rather than putting that reaction that I'm having onto my partner and maybe, know, you know, if you're non-monogamous and you can relate like sending that, you know, text that's very blunt, have a good time, long ass text or even a short one, like have a good time period at the end, no LOL.

Cady Moore (22:44)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

long ass text.

Sounds fun, period.

Sharilyn (23:03)
Yeah, sounds fun. Yeah.

Wow. That's awesome. The little smiley face that's just the... And it's... ⁓ Have fun. And how can we... Like, and laughing about this is good because it's a universal experience because we are taught, we all get jealous and you're gonna laugh because I always come back to this. In a society under capitalism, we are taught that when we invest...

Cady Moore (23:09)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. ⁓

Yeah!

We all get jealous!

Sharilyn (23:32)
we get back. When we pay dues, we get paid. And so if you are in a relationship in monogamy, you know, I'm putting all this  time in and I'm investing this time with this person and therefore I should be getting return gains. It's been three years. How do you not know this? And you should still be prioritizing me. When you take away that framework of capitalism infusing itself in a nuclear mononormative family, ⁓ you're forced to confront a lot of feelings that monogamy protected you from.

Cady Moore (23:33)
Yep.

Yep.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (24:02)
But

in that comfort of monogamy, you're also missing out on a lot of the joys that monogamy is keeping you from. So, yeah.

Cady Moore (24:08)
Yeah, 100%. I mean, and that scarcity mindset is like,

ever since, ever since I, ⁓ I don't remember even when it was, but like it comes up in my check-ins, which is a great segue to our next question. ⁓ Next question was about like what good communication looks like. And we both are talking about check-ins and in check-in, like so often what comes up is the acknowledgement that I'm in scarcity mindset right now.

Sharilyn (24:23)
Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (24:37)
Like I am feeling scarce and I'm feeling under resourced in other areas of my life. And it's showing up here because I'm feeling like there isn't enough time. There isn't enough money. There isn't enough energy. I want every single thing from this relationship and I need you to meet every need. And that isn't fair. And I recognize that that's not fair and that that is coming up as jealousy and I'm trying to move through it. And it's one of the things that I really value. this is like,

Sharilyn (25:02)
Absolutely.

Cady Moore (25:06)
truly word for word the conversation that we had in check in last week. And I'm so grateful that my partner is able to recognize that, that like when I am sitting in scarcity mindset that is manufactured by the capitalist system that we live in, I feel it more in this relationship and my jealousy shows up more. And so like, what do we do to unlearn that?

Sharilyn (25:26)
Right. ⁓

Yeah. And when you, again, when you're sitting with that jealousy and you're in a scarcity mindset, it's not jealousy. It's fear that you're not good enough in all areas of your life and not enough in your relationship. It's sadness that you maybe had, ⁓ goals that you wanted to, or places you wanted to be by now and you're not. And it's anger that, ⁓ you are here having so many needs and your partner is just not doing enough. And it's like this amalgamation. And I think.

Cady Moore (25:36)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (25:56)
Yeah, absolutely. think check-ins are so important. ⁓ For me, it's prescribed agreements. ⁓ And I say agreements because agreements are subject to change ⁓ based on circumstance, based on feeling, whatever, ⁓ but prescribed ⁓ agreements on anything like transparency and openness. ⁓ How much do you want to know about your partner dating? Do you want to know every time they match with someone? Do you want to know every time they have a date scheduled? Do you want to know when they first have sex?

Cady Moore (26:02)
Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (26:25)
What are you feeling entitled to? And what is your jealousy informing you, you need to feel entitled to? ⁓ If you're feeling afraid of kind of getting left behind, that may manifest in these agreements as if in a way of controlling of like, I wanna know when you match with someone. I wanna know when you schedule a date. If you are ⁓ sad that you're not getting enough time with each other, that might manifest in.

Cady Moore (26:28)
Mm-hmm.

Mmhmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (26:50)
Okay, well, I wanna know on the calendar when you have dates and then I want you to make a date with me also, or I want you to plan something also. Prescribed agreements can be around vulnerability. I'm okay hearing your feelings, but we need to set aside time. Like you can't just bombard me with texts when you're in emotionally reactive state. It can be on flexibility. Like, okay, we have this date every single week and I know to depend on it.

Cady Moore (26:56)
Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (27:16)
How flexible are we on moving that? Do we want to do any day of the week? Are we doing one consistent day of the week? ⁓ If we miss, are we expected to do a makeup date? And those prescribed agreements will all be ⁓ constructed based on both parties' needs. Some people might not feel a need, you know, both parties might not feel a need to tell each other about every single person they're dating and every single date they have. ⁓ I have different prescribed agreements in every relationship I have that are very different because we both have different needs and they're a different thing.

Cady Moore (27:20)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (27:46)
For me, that's what good communication looks like. It's check-ins and it's prescribed agreements on both parties' needs. ⁓ And it's also accountability within that as well. Good communication involves you being able to say, hey, I was really hurt by that for this, this, this. And good communication is also listening. like, ⁓ damn, you're right. We did have that agreement. And I guess this isn't quite fulfilling. It was a gray area.

Cady Moore (27:59)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (28:15)
and I didn't know what to do. I, I just didn't say that I had a date scheduled because I wasn't sure whatever. ⁓ And so all that sounds like a lot, ⁓ but, and it is, it is in some cases, in some cases it's very like hands off. It's its own self-functioning machine. So with that effort and with having multiple partners, how do you, manage your time and emotional energy between multiple partners? Or is it not well and it's a work in progress maybe?

Cady Moore (28:23)
⁓ And it is.

But it's not.

Not well. ⁓

Yeah, I mean, well, and I want to I want to actually go back to check-ins really quickly because I think that the just just making the note that the other important thing that I check-ins do is they give a prescribed opportunity to have hard conversations because for a lot of people that are conflict avoidant or who are people pleasers or who grew up in households where like conflict felt dangerous and like asking for what you needed meant that you would get in trouble.

it gives an opportunity for you to say, this is the time when I'm supposed to ask. There is a scheduled agenda item for me to share about any other partners. There's an agenda item here for me to address. Like we have this one in our regular check-ins, the sense of equity, balance, and fairness in the relationship. Like how is that feeling? And getting to like toe up with that and kind of be able to say like lately it feels like I've been holding a lot of emotional weight.

Sharilyn (29:20)
I agree. Yeah.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (29:40)
and I'm feeling really tired and worn down and I really need some help with that. Can we collaborate on figuring out how to take some of the pressure off of me? ⁓ And so I think like, honestly, that actually does answer part of the question, at least of how I manage my time and energy. Check-ins really help because they build in an opportunity for me to call out when I am, you know, we're spending too much time together and I'm not getting enough alone time. ⁓

Sharilyn (29:49)
Absolutely.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (30:07)
to acknowledge that my self-care hasn't been as good as it can be. Or like, hey, I noticed that my self-care was a lot better in the week that you were able to see all of your other partners and so you didn't want to spend as much time with me. ⁓ So yeah, so I mean, I would say I do my best, but I definitely struggle. And for what it's worth, that's like me in every avenue of my life.

Sharilyn (30:19)
Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Cady Moore (30:37)
I give a lot more than I ask for. And I always thought that I was someone who was like good at asking for help and turns out that's not true.

Sharilyn (30:40)
Yeah.

Yeah,

turns out trauma is like, actually, you've been programmed to learn that when you ask for help or what you need, you're denied. So, figure it out. Yeah, exactly. Why? Yeah, how dare you? Yeah, I think with the people pleaser thing, that's really big. ⁓ Again, going back to check-ins, ⁓ I know for me and our shared partner, we have a set group of questions we go over almost every week. Sometimes we are

Cady Moore (30:54)
Yes, in fact your need is made to look stupid. Like why would you even have that need, what? Yeah.

Sharilyn (31:16)
cool to skip it if we're just needing more fun time and like more gaming time. But we have prescribed questions as well. ⁓ For me, how I manage time and emotional energy, transparency, honestly, radical transparency. And that's hard as a people pleaser, because I'm always like, how are you? What do you need? Is there anything I can do for you? But transparency ⁓ and honesty from the jump. I'm a mom, a student. I have my own hobbies.

Cady Moore (31:19)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (31:44)
I have other people I want to hang with, friends. I have ⁓ passion projects like our pod. I have a lot of things that pull me in multiple directions. And I think being honest upfront and saying, I can't be a full capital F, full time girlfriend, partner, ⁓ because I have other commitments. This is what realistically my availability looks like.

Cady Moore (31:53)
Mm-hmm.

Partner, yeah, yep.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (32:11)
You can tell me what your needs are and I can be very upfront on whether or not that can be a possible or maybe is in the future. ⁓ So on larger scales when making partner agreements and partner understandings and negotiating ⁓ honesty and also on a micro level, day to day. If we have date night plan and I've had a horrible day, I'm tired, maybe I'm sick. ⁓ I don't have the emotional energy to have hard conversations.

⁓ Or maybe I'm feeling really overwhelmed by feelings and I need to talk and I really just don't want to play video games I really just need to be held ⁓ That needs to be said like that needs to be upfront I don't like hopping on to a call or going into hang with with someone with a partner and Feeling like they're in a funk or a mood and they haven't communicated it because I don't like to play investigator

Cady Moore (32:46)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Sharilyn (33:02)
And so for me, being radical with my honesty ⁓ sets a precedent that I expect my partners of also radical honesty. And if you're feeling a kind of way, ⁓ tell me upfront. If you're having a niggling feeling in the back before it even becomes a full-fledged feeling, just tell me. That doesn't mean I need to work through it with you if you want to do it on your own, but I'm at least aware. ⁓ And...

Cady Moore (33:10)
Mm-hmm. Just say it.

Yeah, well and as two people who are empaths, always

makes me laugh that like, that these boys, I mean, we both date folks of all sorts of genders, but I'm like specifically thinking of my boys. It's like, it makes me laugh that these boys think that we can't pick up on their shit. I'm like, bro.

Sharilyn (33:34)
Yes.

I can tell by

your fucking punctuation from your good morning text what kind of day you're having, most likely.

Cady Moore (33:45)
Yeah, like I'm

sorry, I can tell the minute you look at me that you are feeling insecurity and that you have something that you want to talk about. just like, let's just talk about it, please. Because yeah, because I can't walk on eggshells because like I have too much lived experience doing that and I cannot do it. ⁓

Sharilyn (33:52)
Yeah.

Let's just get out. Like, I don't want it hanging around. Right.

yeah. And I've, I've,

I've done that before too, where I've, I think it was, ⁓ I think it was last time I was in town actually with our shared partner. We had had a, just a topsy turvy morning. Like I had been, ⁓ I I had to hop on and do a quick school assignment that took me way later. So we ended up getting to a coffee shop way later and it kind of pushed our plans back and I could just tell from their tone that like something was up. So I literally stopped them on the street and I

had them face me and I was like, I'm feeling some kind of either anger or discontent or annoyance or something. Can you just tell me what you're feeling? Because rather than trying to talk with you and have this pseudo normal conversation, it would be so much easier if you just told me what's going on so that I can help the situation. Right. And that's okay. Yes.

Cady Moore (34:53)
Just tell me you're irritated. Tell me you're pissed off. air your feelings out so that we're

not sitting here treating them like they're our third partner right now.

Sharilyn (35:02)
my God, thank you for saying that. Absolutely. Like they're the third one in the room. Yeah, exactly. Right. And again, that's where like for me, again, like radical honesty and just like, this is where I'm at. This is what I like on a macro. This is the kind of, you know, capacity I have. This is the kind of time I have this kind of energy I have to invest into this and a micro level on this is the day I'm having. This is what I'm feeling going into this. This is what's been bothering me.

Cady Moore (35:04)
Like, I'm sorry, I did not consent to this triad. Get your child part out of here. Yeah. 100%.

Sharilyn (35:30)
So, yeah, so all of that's to say is I manage time and emotional energy by allowing both of those things to fluctuate, but also being very transparent about being the sounding board for myself and also demanding that of my partners. Like, I'm not gonna, I can't fix something or I can't help you through something. Even if that is you wanting to exit the relationship, I can't talk with you about that or...

Cady Moore (35:41)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (35:58)
help you with that or ⁓ collaborate with you on what that looks like unless you're telling me. ⁓ So yeah, so let's take a break.

Cady Moore (36:07)
100%. Let's,

yeah, I was just gonna say, I could see you looking and getting ready to transition to another question and I was like, wait, let's let the kids go pee. I mean, I don't have to, but. Okay, yeah, so we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back.

Sharilyn (36:14)
I was looking and I was like, Yeah.

I'm okay.

Cady Moore (36:34)
Welcome back. Hope you enjoyed your little breaky break. Piss girls. So.

Sharilyn (36:37)
Piss girls, sorry. Jesus, I don't know what the kick

that just ripped out of me. Sorry, continue. I didn't even say go piss girls, I just screamed piss girls, sorry.

Cady Moore (36:44)
It's okay, it's a stim, it's fine. Just piss

girls! I'm like, girl, if you're into that, it's fine. Like, that's cool, we could talk about that. So let's talk about being polyamorous on the outside. Because we've spent so much time talking about the safety that we've created in our communities and in our relationships and how we've navigated that. we live in...

Sharilyn (36:54)
This is a venti matcha. Too much for my little body.

Cady Moore (37:13)
a hell. As we say in 2025, and I'm like, we just live in hell. And so navigating the world as a polyamorous person is very interesting. And I thought that we could start off by talking about like any kind of experiences we've had either with like acceptance or rejection of polyamory. I

was immediately reminded of a... I was getting my nails done like I say the other day this was literally Valentine's Day I was getting my Valentine's Day nails done and the... a nail tech I don't remember I was getting ready it was not Valentine's Day it was spring because I was getting ready to move and I was talking about how I was moving that weekend and she was like like ⁓ you you have a boyfriend to help and I and she said you have a boyfriend you have a husband I was like I have both actually and she like stopped

And she looked at me and she said, how'd you do that? And I laughed and I was like

girl a lot of work but it's great she was like she was like ⁓ so you have you have two you have both and I was like yeah I have a boyfriend and I have and I have a husband she's like wow and you get to live alone and I was like yeah and she was like that sounds so nice and I was like it really it really is and I was and I was shocked because like I just I would not assume that she would have been a person who was like

Sharilyn (38:18)
Sprinkle sprinkle.

Cady Moore (38:44)
comfortable with the non-monogamy or familiar with it or anything like that. And she was just entirely excited for me and like, wow, that sounds so fun. And I'm like, yeah, it's pretty great. Have you experienced any either great interactions like that or any like difficult rejection interaction? And if the latter is with family, can, it doesn't have to be strangers. ⁓

Sharilyn (38:53)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, no, that's

really fine. ⁓ Not necessarily from the outside, I think because publicly I'm a pretty private person and I also don't necessarily have the opportunity all the time because all my partners are far away. But ⁓ for me, I would say the radical acceptance from like my sisters primarily who are the closest I am family wise. I'm not close with my parents and we don't talk, we talk a few times a year, but. ⁓

Cady Moore (39:21)
Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (39:35)
So the radical acceptance and like my closest friends have been nice. It's just kind of like they are just like, yeah, you're fucking weird. We knew that. Like, of course you would do this. And I'm like, yeah, I guess so. ⁓ right of course we knew that. I exactly. Yeah, that's all it's about, which is so funny. Yeah, me with like.

Cady Moore (39:47)
Of you're a little slut. You just want to boink everyone. Because polyamory is just about sex. It's not. It's not. We're being sarcastic. That's a common misconception

and myth about polyamory people that pisses me off.

Sharilyn (40:03)
Yeah, me with three long distance relationship. Where is it? When is it happening? What? When is it my turn? ⁓ Yeah, so I don't know if I've necessarily had a lot of negative ones. I I think there was, I don't want to say it's negative because I do think there is learning in it with my parents where they didn't quite understand, but I think they were just happy that I was in any situation other than with my ex.

Cady Moore (40:05)
Yeah, you're like, yes, it is all about the sex.

Did I miss it?

Yeah.

Hahaha

Sharilyn (40:30)
⁓

quite honestly. So I don't really have a super open relationship with my parents, but Cady, know you, your parents are very fully aware of your polyamory status. Can you share a little bit about that?

Cady Moore (40:38)
Yeah, yeah, I'm laughing.

I'm laughing because I was just talking about this in therapy yesterday. ⁓ And so I'm not gonna... It was difficult to start. ⁓ they were not very accepting at first. ⁓ They didn't like cut me off or anything, but they were very unhappy with it. And over time they got more comfortable. I think when they finally started to see that... ⁓

Sharilyn (40:45)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (41:06)
that both Navarre and myself were like, first of all, that our marriage was still happy, intact, like doing well. And I think as they began to see that like, it was about more than just sex, which like, even if it is just about sex, like what the hell, but it's fine, whatever. I think once I got to see that it was like actually about having like deep, committed, intimate relationships.

⁓ It started to feel easier for them. I also think that a big part of what made it feel easier is my boyfriend is very likeable and he is really, really good with my mom who is the one who is the most uncomfortable with it. And so I think because she feels accepted and has a relationship with him, I think it's easier for her. ⁓ My extended family has been like

very it's been it's been funny because they've been very like welcoming ⁓ and like very open minded on paper and also like it has been very interesting like the de-nesting process ⁓ has been interesting ⁓ because I had to like reiterate many times over that like no Navarre and I are not divorcing like no we are not separating like we are just going to be living separately

And they're like, okay, so so Brandon's moving in. And I'm like, nope, I am living alone. Like I'm not living. That is not that's not what's happening here. So I would say like overall, accepting not a ton. I haven't seen like a ton of motivation to like learn anything about it, which is fine. And also there are times where I'm like, you know, you could like there's like so many articles and books.

Sharilyn (42:38)
Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (42:57)
specifically for this, like, so you found out your daughter is polyamorous, like those exist. But yeah, in general, I would say that like, I feel like my experience was easy compared to what it could have been. And I do feel like there has been a lot of acceptance for my family and the family that I've built. But yeah, it's interesting. I mean, I know that you know this, like,

Sharilyn (42:59)
Right.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (43:26)
my mom in particular, until she met you, really struggled with like, like she did not understand our relationship. Because to her, she's like, I'm sorry, this is your husband's girlfriend. Like you're telling me you're not threatened by her? And I'm like, I mean, she never said that, but I could tell that was what she was thinking. And I'm just like, no, I'm not actually. And then as soon as y'all met and you got to talk about being moms, she was like, I get it. This girl's a really nice girl. No wonder, no wonder you like her, I was like, yeah, no shit.

Sharilyn (43:32)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, and I think when it comes to like family or friends, sometimes they accept it right away. Sometimes they don't accept it all. And sometimes they need to they come to accept it or at least acknowledge it in increments. Like at first it can be, OK, you have a boyfriend. That's OK. And then it's like, OK, going to meet him. That feels a little weird. And then when it goes again beyond that, when it's like I'm going to meet your husband, like my child's husband's girlfriend, like

Cady Moore (43:56)
You think I'm just a shitty judge of character? Like, what the hell?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yep.

Sharilyn (44:23)
that's too weird for me, I can't do that. I know, and

yeah, and like, I didn't take any offense to that. we had, you know, ⁓ I think it was like last year, the year before we had ⁓ talked about doing a Thanksgiving all together Cause one thing our polycule hasn't done is ⁓ like holidays together, which is, you know, just because we're long distance. And I know your mom just like, wasn't quite ready for that yet for all of us. Like she's talked to Brandon multiple

Cady Moore (44:28)
Yeah!

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (44:48)
times, but she hadn't met me yet and that's reasonable and I don't take offense to that because someone's learning process or someone's comfortability or boundaries, I understand it's not me, it's they're just not ready for that yet and that's okay and they might not ever be and you know that's okay like that's all right and I know for me as well like you know my sisters were super accepting they're like okay and then I was you know after you know a couple years I was talking about yeah my

Cady Moore (44:49)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Sharilyn (45:14)
metamour Cady, like she's great, and I was telling my sister Steph, I was like, you guys are gonna get along so good, you guys are so similar. And she was like, okay, yeah, sure. And then like, again, a couple years, you know, she got to meet my partner, our partner, and she got to, and eventually I kept saying like, no, trust me, you and Cady will get along so good. guys are gonna like, seriously, you guys are seriously gonna get along so well, you have so much in common. She was like, okay, yeah. And then once we actually had her on the pod,

Cady Moore (45:21)
Sure!

Mm-hmm.

You got, you're gonna be, you're gonna be friends. You're gonna love each other.

Sharilyn (45:41)
Last season she was talking about a queer epidemiology. She's a scientist and of course you guys just I was kind of the background just like, you know pitching a question every now and again But you guys were just like public health public health and I was just like yeah and and and and that took years and that's okay and but and some people just aren't there yet so sometimes it can it can be difficult and if You are someone whose family is not there It's okay if that hurts you

Cady Moore (45:45)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

just yappin yeah this is what i wanted yeah totally

Yeah.

Sharilyn (46:11)
Like I want to reiterate, like just because they're not there yet doesn't mean that it's any less painful that they're not wanting to see your community and someone that you see as family and not see that as a threat to their own stake in what they consider being your family and their position in your life. But like it's OK to be upset about that. ⁓ So ⁓ another question we have here that I think is ⁓ plays into this is are there misconceptions or myths about non-monogamy that frustrate people in the community? I know you talked about constant sex.

Cady Moore (46:11)
Yeah.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sharilyn (46:40)
Is there any others?

Cady Moore (46:40)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah, the assumption that it's just about sex ⁓ is frustrating because I think it diminishes the amount of emotional work that goes into relationships. ⁓ Also, in the same vein, the idea that polyamorous people just can't commit, they just have commitment issues. And it's like, do you know how much commitment and work it takes to be in a polyamorous relationship?

Sharilyn (46:54)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cady Moore (47:08)
I'm talking about shit that you have never talked to your partner about, I promise you. Like you're not having these conversations because you are protected like you already talked about. You're protected by the structure of monogamy. So you never have to talk about the sense of equity, balance and fairness in the relationship. I mean, you should, everyone should. Everyone can benefit from, I don't like to should people, but everyone can benefit from relationship check-ins. So those are definitely two that come up for me.

Sharilyn (47:22)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (47:37)
We've also talked about the all poly people are ugly. I'm like, excuse me. Have you seen us?

Sharilyn (47:43)
Or they all look, like

they all look the same. And to be clear, and I'm going to make my stance on this very clear, that argument is inherently transphobic and queerphobic and ⁓ ableist. And to summarize that a group of people who practice one type of relationship structure all look the same and are lumping them together the same in a negative connotation is inherently queerphobic. And I won't have that. And if you say that,

Cady Moore (47:54)
Yeah

Yeah, full stop.

Sharilyn (48:11)
If you say that, you're gonna get mad, baby. Yeah, that is it. And it's bullshit. ⁓ If you were friends with multiple queer people and multiple non-monogamous people, there's a reason that the communities overlap because we are going against the binary of mononormativity and heteronormativity, and there's intersections there. ⁓

Cady Moore (48:14)
Bye.

Yeah.

huh. Totally.

Totally. I'm

teaching a class this weekend on the overlap between kink and polyamory. I just, I love that the polyamorous community, the kink community and the queer community have ... And I know that this doesn't exist everywhere, but from what I have been able to see and experience, it feels like the Venn diagram has started to become mostly a circle.

and everyone in all three of those circles are welcome in whatever shape or form that they show up in. Again, this is just speaking to like my wider community here in Sacramento and like online, but it really feels it's like, cool. Like if you are polyamorous and queer, but like you're not kinky, you're welcome here. If you are polyamorous and kinky, but not queer, well, you are kind of queer. But that's, you can't tell someone they're queer. They get to identify that way themselves. ⁓

Sharilyn (49:29)
Yeah.

Cady Moore (49:30)
But yeah, absolutely. I feel like there's definitely a lot of overlap. ⁓

Sharilyn (49:35)
Yeah,

and I think for me that also kind of highlights some of the misconceptions about non-monogamy that frustrate me is that like, number one, it's all about sex, but beyond that, everyone in a polycule or whatever is having sex with each other. ⁓ Like I get that question a lot about our polycule, like the four of us kind of in our standard like nuclear polycule. It's funny because that's about as nuclear as it gets for us as far as nuclear family. ⁓ But like,

Cady Moore (49:48)
yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Uh-huh. I literally told

my new therapist, was like, when I say family, I am specifically referring to my polycule and my sister and her wife and her best friend.

Sharilyn (50:04)
Yeah,

and I'll say quad all the time. ⁓ A quad typically is for people who are all like interdating and we're not. I say quad because there's four of us and I don't have a better word, but we're not. ⁓ So that kind of frustrates me ⁓ and it just frustrates me because again, it's rooting that this is driven by the desire for sex. ⁓ I think also that all poly people are inherently queer. know our

Cady Moore (50:10)
We're not. Yeah.

We're not!

Bisex.

Sharilyn (50:32)
you know, a shared partner gets kind of frustrated about this because he's not queer nor really kinky. And so that can be kind of frustrating within the community to, you know, find others, you know, similar because there is so much overlap. But yeah, I think I think any generalizations in any in a in an un kind of in a very micro individualized aspect of approaching relationships is fucking weird. And it's and again,

Cady Moore (50:35)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

in anything ever.

Yeah

Sharilyn (51:02)
And I'm going to say it again. If you are saying all poly people or all queer people look the same, you are inherently being trans and queer phobic and get fucked. Like, you know, and that's and that's something you and I celebrate is that we are both very similar inside but our shells are very different. And that's like, you know, and it's and it's it's weird sometimes when I have some people point that out, they're like, oh, my gosh, like, like you, you.

Cady Moore (51:14)
You heard it here kids!

Yeah

Sharilyn (51:31)
⁓ Or for me and some of other ⁓ partners before and like pointing out how different we look or different we are. And I know for some people even if you look similar to other partners, there's like jokes about like, they have a type, ⁓ which is totally fine if there's a type. I get that heat from our shared partner all the time. ⁓

Cady Moore (51:39)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I was gonna say I Remember the

meme the meme that's um 7 up Sierra mist and sprite all next to each other with the caption I don't have a type of my partners. I remember sending that to you mean like umm a light-skinned Black man with glasses who's nerdy? Sue me okay, they're so cute. I mean I get it

Sharilyn (52:03)
Yeah, and it's kind of funny how

Sue me! But I know!

And for me it's funny when people say that because it's like, okay, yes, like I do tend to trend towards like very similar, like maybe like physical types, but ultimately it's the inside that is actually the same and they just present the same. Like all of my partners are fucking nerds. A lot of them are very, like all of them are creative, all of them are smart. ⁓ And I...

Cady Moore (52:25)
Yeah. Mm-hmm, totally. Yeah.

And they're

all soft, just soft babies.

Sharilyn (52:34)
They're all soft. I think one

thing that I have seen before is almost like a competitiveness that people put onto metamours. Like if someone were to look at us and be like, you guys look so different. Like, is he not getting from you, Cady, that he's getting from me? And I'm like, nothing. I have to... ⁓ Well, and yeah, I have huge fucking knockers, but I have to annoy him every time something's higher than two shelves. It's embarrassing. And quite frankly,

Cady Moore (52:49)
Have you seen those big naturals?

Sharilyn (53:01)
we have to invest in more stepstools. And I'm just going to say that like life is not built for someone who's like five, two, five, three. Like I can barely reach my microwave. My 11 year old can. Do you know how humiliating that is? Like, and I look at you and, I think this isn't polyamory ~ like again with like the jealousy and comparison because we're trying again, it's, it's survival of the fittest and it's very much like you need to be the best in. And that's, I think the root of comparison, like

Cady Moore (53:23)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (53:28)
You know, someone could look at me and be like, oh yeah, you have those big juicy knockers. And I'm like, have you seen my metamour with her legs like a mile long that I look at? And I'm just like, wow. Meanwhile, I feel like Humpty Dumpty here with my like stout little tree trunk legs. I'm a little teapot short and stout with big knockers. And like my metamour is like this Barbie like a goddess with like a halo of curly hair and sparkly eyes and a smile.

Cady Moore (53:35)
my God, I tried to lift my leg, I couldn't do it. I'm so, I'm so.

You're so cute! The sweetest woman!

The cutest teapot.

Sharilyn (53:57)
and can reach stuff higher than the second shelf. Sure, I might have cause to feel jealous, but I don't because we're the same inside. We're just a different font. I don't even know what point I was making. just really had a lot of feelings. ⁓ Okay, well speaking of this love for each other, what role does community play in supporting poly relationships?

Cady Moore (54:08)
Yeah

me neither, but I love you. ⁓

Yeah!

Dude, mean, bringing it like way back to jealousy, whenever, and not even just jealousy, but whenever hard emotions come up, like just having a sounding board and a place to go with your feelings and be like, am I crazy? Am I, is this me? Am I the problem here? Like, or is this rational? Or to be like, I'm having a...

Sharilyn (54:38)
Yep. Yep.

Right.

Cady Moore (54:46)
whoo girl I don't think I can do this anymore moment I don't actually mean it but like I gotta say it somewhere or else it's gonna explode out of my body I think that's a big big big big big big one like just providing emotional support and care for each other is huge

Sharilyn (54:52)
Right. Right. Out the butt. Yeah.

Absolutely, absolutely. I

agree. Yeah. And for me, I think the role of community is like, you might have like friends who are monogamous who like can totally get on your level and like help get... like rationalize from your perspective, but it is a lot harder. Community is important because if you are poly and you are struggling, you really should, and I'm not going say need, but it helps immensely if you have people who understand the nuance. ⁓

Cady Moore (55:16)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Yep.

Sharilyn (55:29)
and free

of judgment of saying like something like a really kind of ridiculous niche thing that would sound to a monogamous person like my boyfriend's wife's partner ⁓ instigated this hangout with the three of them that I wanted to go to but my other partner invited me first and then canceled so I'm missing on I'm having compersion for them but I'm having FOMO and like these very complex niche situations that arise till I have someone

Cady Moore (55:58)
Yup.

Sharilyn (55:59)
like level with you and be like, okay, like let's untangle this web. I also have my own skills that you might not have that I can provide aid for. Or I'm coming from a different point or a different approach to polyamory that maybe I can help enlighten you or like not change, but ⁓ maybe course correct a little bit. Offer a reframe, exactly. And so community is so important because this is a very, ⁓ it's very nuanced relationship style, which

Cady Moore (56:06)
Huh? Totally, totally.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Offer a reframe. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (56:28)
creates very nuanced problems and

Cady Moore (56:30)
Yeah.

Sharilyn (56:30)
not everyone, maybe your straight mono therapist isn't really gonna be able to understand and that's okay. Maybe your friends, yeah.

Cady Moore (56:36)
Yeah, yeah. Or their response is like, well, so just be monogamous. And it's like,

but the feelings are still gonna be there because this jealousy I'm feeling is a wound. Remember, we've been over this.

Sharilyn (56:44)
Right, exactly. Right.

It's a portal to my deepest bruises and I want to unpack what those bruises are and figure out how to heal those before I can get anywhere. so, yeah, community is really important. think ⁓ also just ⁓ community is really common, think, in poly because you have a lot of people who are doing it for community. I don't just want to have, you know,

Cady Moore (56:53)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (57:13)
be with one person and they have their friends and I have my friends and they like never overlap. Like I want community. I want us all to gather. I want us all to play D &D and board games and go on vacations together like we do and have trips together and plan our futures together and what that's gonna look like. I think for, especially for those who have ⁓ maybe taken a step back from the nuclear family or who didn't have parental support or didn't have sibling support or.

Cady Moore (57:16)
Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yeah.

Sharilyn (57:40)
whatever, this is a great way of getting those needs of intimacy met. And I'm not talking intimacy like sex, because we are not equating those. Intimacy like being seen. Intimacy like being held. Intimacy like having people you can cry to about what is bothering you or what feels heavy and it not be ⁓ only prescribed. ⁓ Like a premium service, you're only prescribed this amount of intimacy in your relationships that are friendships. You are granted more if you want to pay more and upgrade to boyfriend.

Cady Moore (57:46)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (58:09)
And you're granted more if you want to have a husband. We take away all those premiums, right? Like we take away all of those, like I don't just want the bonus content if we're gonna do this legally. Like if the courts recognize our relationship, then I get the amount of support I need from you. I want that from all of my community, from friends, from boyfriends, from partners, to comets, to whatever. So yeah, so that's really big for me, I think.

Cady Moore (58:13)
I love that analogy!

Yeah!

Mm-hmm.

Hell yeah, let's take a quick break and then let's come back and do some sillies.

Sharilyn (58:38)
Yeah.

Welcome back guys! ⁓ sorry, that matcha's hitting. Welcome back. ⁓ We're gonna start some sillies. We have some fun, like, poly themed questions. I know we got into it a little bit on our previous episode, but ⁓ these questions are going to be poly centered, but also kind of fun. So ⁓ the first one we have, which we were really excited to get into, because as you know, we are in a, I'm DMing our... ⁓

a D &D campaign for our Polycule and also our two other good friends. ⁓ If our Polycule were a D &D campaign, which class would everyone in your Polycule be?

You'd be a bard. I'm just going to say it. You're the bard. You're... I feel like you're the bard! Maybe we both are. Maybe he does have a... Maybe he does have a type. Damn! Okay.

Cady Moore (59:39)
It's just the Spider-Man meme. Okay, let's

not multi-class just for the sake of keeping it simple.

Sharilyn (59:52)
was gonna say you're a bard and a druid.

Damn it, okay.

Cady Moore (59:56)
No, I can definitely see me being a bard, for sure. I just feel like you're the entertainer of the group ⁓ and the storyteller of the group, which is what made me think you were a bard. But like, you know, I'm open, I'm flexible. ⁓ I was going to say druid for me, but you know, we're not multi-classing.

Sharilyn (1:00:16)
Yeah. No,

give your answers and then I'll give mine. I love this.

Cady Moore (1:00:20)
Yeah, okay, so I was gonna say, I was gonna say Druid for me, Bard for you. I kind of feel like Navarre would be a cleric. Very like smart and healing energy. Poor Brandon, always the meathead. No, because I don't think he's a fighter. But like, he's definitely, I would say,

I would say a sorcerer. I think he's a he's a wizard. A warlock. A warlock is a class, isn't it? Is warlock a class? I just never play with it. So I think he'd be a warlock.

Sharilyn (1:00:54)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I like that. like that. Okay. So I think you would be Bard because you're cheery and merry and your main stim are vocal stims, which I love. your vocal stims herald your presence before you enter a room. And I really just like deeply love that about you. I think Brandon would be a druid. I think

Cady Moore (1:01:27)
Okay, yeah. A mushroom

druid.

Sharilyn (1:01:30)
A mushroom druid! ⁓ I think Narv would be a monk ⁓ because they specialize in like unarmed combat and they can harness the energy that flows in their body and I think he does a really good job of slowing down and he's able to articulate things in a very wise way, in a very controlled way that gives me like monk. I think for me...

Cady Moore (1:01:35)
Ooh, okay.

Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (1:02:00)
Maybe a sorcerer? Maybe a rogue? I think-

Cady Moore (1:02:04)
You be spell slangin'. I was gonna say you could

be an arcane trickster rogue.

Sharilyn (1:02:10)
Yeah, maybe an arcane trickster.

Cady Moore (1:02:12)
But I just

don't know how you would do with those stealth checks.

Sharilyn (1:02:17)
I know, because my boobs enter the room before I do. I'm not really sneaky at all. I'm heavy-footed. Yeah, I would say some kind of like sorcerer, bard, multiclass, like sorcerers are charisma-based. ⁓ And so I feel like some kind of, I don't want to say like divine soul, because that's a little narcissistic, but I feel...

Cady Moore (1:02:33)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (1:02:44)
I feel called to a higher calling which is spreading joy and light to others, so maybe a little bit of a sorcerer. Yeah, Bard Sorcerer, you're Bard Druid. B is Druid Fighter.

Cady Moore (1:02:46)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, Bard Sorcerer, so let's multi-class. So you're a bard sorcerer, bard druid.

No, Druid Warlock. But he could be Druid Fighter.

Sharilyn (1:03:02)
Druid Warlock.

True. And then I think Narvy would be monk, monk cleric or even a monk rogue because he, he's, he's a little stealthy in that we can't get a read on his emotions sometimes, not to his fault. And he's, oh my God, he's so clever and he's so fucking smart. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Okay. I love those. Now, if we're comparing

Cady Moore (1:03:09)
I think a monk cleric. Yeah. I was gonna say rogue cause he's a little tricky He's a little sneaky, sneaky.

Yeah, and he's clever. Clever girl.

Sharilyn (1:03:30)
polyamory to Pokemon, what Pokemon would you be and why? Yeah.

Cady Moore (1:03:35)
Well, Pokemon would I be?

Okay, I interpreted this question as what Pokemon would Polyamory be? And so I put Eevee because Eevee has so many Eeveelutions that there are so many options. Yeah, and so there's something for everyone. That's why I think the gays love Eevee because it's like, we can be whoever we want.

Sharilyn (1:03:43)
⁓

So many. You get the goth girls and Umbreon. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

exactly. Sylveon and Espeon are the queer ones.

Cady Moore (1:04:03)
Yeah, but if it's me, yeah,

honestly, okay, think the answer still might be Eevee even if it is just me, because I contain multitudes. There's so many versions of me.

Sharilyn (1:04:10)
Yeah.

You contain multitudes. ⁓

So I answered this. ⁓ So I think if we're talking about polyamory as a whole, I would think Exeggutor or whichever one has multiple eggs on one tree. ⁓ I think personally, I am a Chansey because she is fat. She loves mothering. She's kind of always got a baby in the oven. And by baby in the oven, I mean, I always have my babies with me. ⁓

Cady Moore (1:04:27)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

NOOOO

Sharilyn (1:04:41)
⁓ She's really just silly as a concept in that she's just round with an egg. She helps out the nurses, which is a social worker I'm gonna do. And she just says her name over and over again, which I also do. I just walk around saying, Sharilyn. ⁓ And ⁓ I love an egg and my child also historically loves eggs as well. ⁓ So I would say I'm probably a Chansey.

Cady Moore (1:04:47)
Yeah! Ding-da-bong!

Let's see.

I love this so much. When are you gonna cosplay? ⁓ We could go as Nurse Joy and Chansey, because I have my Nurse Joy costume.

Sharilyn (1:05:10)
Yeah. Honestly?

my god. I

bet I could find a big blow up Chansey outfit. That would be so cute. And instead of one egg, I'll have... Yes, and I'll just have deviled eggs. Honestly, I think so too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. ⁓ we'd just be ripping ass. ⁓ propelled. Exactly. Why not? ⁓ Okay. ⁓

Cady Moore (1:05:23)
Or you can make a cunty Chansey. I do think you can make a cunty. ⁓ deviled eggs. I would just eat around. We'd just be tooting our way through Comic Con. Which, I mean, everybody else is doing it, you know?

Ha ha!

Sharilyn (1:05:42)
wait, okay, I actually, this is a real quick question that I feel is so good. I'm gonna alter it to us. If you could design a polycule coat of arms for our ⁓ polycule, what would be on it?

Cady Moore (1:05:49)
Okay.

a D20.

Sharilyn (1:05:56)
I'm thinking I

was literally just about to say dice. ⁓ Books, for sure. Video game controller.

Cady Moore (1:05:59)
Yeah, yeah a d20 ⁓ a book

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think if there's anything else that like unites all of us, I mean, think we could. I think it. Yeah, fancy little drinks or I was gonna say a cat.

Sharilyn (1:06:10)
tweets.

Yeah.

Fancy little drinks.

⁓ yeah, yeah, we got cat, have dice, we honestly

Cady Moore (1:06:25)
Yeah, I can. I feel like I might,

I feel like we might swap out the book because that because because both of our boys like to read, but I think struggle with it a little bit.

Sharilyn (1:06:31)
Yeah?

They

really, honestly, the thing that really gets them to read is finding things that are about their hyper interest, which is fine. ⁓ And I know you just like Aia in our D &D campaign just like love knowledge and I'm the same way. I just love to learn and absorb. That's my calling as well. Absorb, yeah. So I think Dice Cat, Little Drinky.

Cady Moore (1:06:44)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, absorb my knowledge. So I think...

No, think video game controller still is good to keep. I was trying to figure out where to put... Yeah, yeah. I mean, I can use a controller. I can use my controller on my computer. Okay, do wanna hear something really cute? So I've been really into Octopath Traveler ⁓ over the last week or so. Week, or a little more, because last date night, Navarre has been trying to get me to play it for a long time.

Sharilyn (1:07:01)
Yeah. Or in our case, a computer mouse. Yeah.

Always.

Cady Moore (1:07:28)
And I just have to get to things in my time when I get to them. It's part of why I struggle with TV show and movie recommendations. I'm like, thank you so much for this recommendation. I will watch it in 2.5 years. And then I'll text you. Yeah. And so I finally started playing it I am so into it. And last night, ⁓ Brandon was like, yeah, and Octopath 2 just came out. And I was like, wait, there's a second one?

Sharilyn (1:07:40)
Yeah, anywhere from like five to ten business years.

Mm-hmm.

Cady Moore (1:07:56)
And so I texted Navarre and I was like, there's a second Octopath? And he was like, yeah, and I got it on Steam so that when I'm done playing it, you can play it. And I said, awww ⁓

Sharilyn (1:08:06)
That's really cute.

Cady Moore (1:08:08)
He got it on Steam

instead of Switch because we have a shared Steam library and it was so cute of him. So, yum.

Sharilyn (1:08:11)
Yeah, I love that. think joint

games are so, and having a shared game library is so good, those moments where you're like, ⁓ you considered me and what I like, how I like that. Yeah, exactly. ⁓ I love that.

Cady Moore (1:08:24)
You thought of me well, thank you. You're so cute. Yeah.

Sharilyn (1:08:29)
Yeah, and those

games that like, you know, someone else is gonna like love or someone in your polycule is gonna love. I love that. I love having a recommendation go over really well. And like when someone loves something that you love and I like that we all kind of get to do that. Mm hmm. Yes.

Cady Moore (1:08:38)
Mmm.

Yeah, 100%. And I'm reading Phantasma right now too, which was

a recommendation from you and one of our extended Polycule members. yeah, just, yeah, it makes me feel like so close to all of my people when I'm enjoying the media that they recommend. That's why it bothers me so much that it takes me so long to finally try things, but you know, it's fine. I can't help it.

Sharilyn (1:08:56)
I know.

But it is so nice when you guys

happen to be passing ships in the night and get on the same trend at the same time. think him and I, we read it together actually a couple weeks ago or a couple months ago and just finished the second one recently. And it's so fun that now you're getting into it. I'm like, it's kind of the same with how we've recommended Throne of Glass to all of our friends. And then we get, we literally force them into a group chat with us to update us so we can vicariously live through them again, because we've read it so many times that like...

Cady Moore (1:09:07)
Mm-hmm.

Sharilyn (1:09:32)
Ugh! Or ACOTAR. Yeah! Yes! Or like, yes, tell me how much you love Tamlin right now. Tell me so much. Yes, my god, isn't he the best?

Cady Moore (1:09:33)
We're like, oh my god, tell us when you get to chapter 89 of Kingdom of Ash.

Yeah, keep telling

me. He's so good, right? Yeah. I think that's it. Now we're just yapping, which I know is what the people are here for, but meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, So y'all, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. Your co-pilots, Cady and Sharilyn, and we hope you enjoyed listening to us speak on non-monogamy and our polyamorous experiences.

Sharilyn (1:09:48)
Yeah, now we're just yapping. Yes. Me! Mm-hmm.

Yeah,

yeah. Again, this is not a blanket statement for how you should poly. This is just how we poly. And if you like what you heard, don't forget to rate it, review it, subscribe, share it on your Instagrams. ⁓ There's a lot of people out there with a lot of poly information and we're just like trying to provide our own and talk about our own stuff. So you can slide into our DMs on Instagram, @kneedeeppodcast You can share your thoughts. You can ⁓ ask us questions. You can suggest or tell us what you want to hear us talk about.

something that you're super hyperfixated on that we can research and what we can dive into next.

Cady Moore (1:10:42)
And until next time, keep it curious and remember that you are valid, your identity is valid, the world is a hell hole, we're fighting with God, but everything's gonna be okay, we've got this. And we'll see you next time.

Sharilyn (1:10:54)
Yes.

Bye.